Jeremy's Lazy Song/Candace's Alien Lover
This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "The Lazy Song" and "E.T". He thinks Jeremy's song is extremely lame and he hates everything about Candace's song. Memorable Quotes in "Jeremy's Lazy Song" Carl: Previously, on "Carl's Pop Song Reviews", YOUR MOM! Ha. Also, on my show, this happened. (Flashback) Carl: Hopefully, his next song will be much better. Jeremy: (singing live) Today, I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed... Carl: WAIT A MINUTE, THIS IS A WHITE GUY WITH ACOUSTIC GUITAR SONG! (skips parts) Oh no, (bleep) no (skips parts) (Carl throws a grenade at his piano) COVER! (runs away) Jeremy: Flip to MTV, so they can teach me how to dougie... (The screen shows an explosion) Carl: I throw this term out a lot, but I need to explain what I mean about "white guy with acoustic guitar". (shows a clip of Ferb playing a guitar and singing) Not every guy with an acoustic guitar is bad, but this kind of music just bores me. This means I can't listen to indie rock or many modern country artists, for that matter. Also, resorting to a guitar and singing is LAZY. In my opinion, music is supposed to come from the soul. It's supposed to be about your strong emotions, maybe not loud emotions, but from your heart. Carl: Take a look at "I'm Yours" and "Hey Soul Sister". In "Hey Soul Sister", Jeremy's voice sounds bad, but that's because he's happy to be in love. But in "I'm Yours", Django sounds stupid. Django: Do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do... Carl: (mimicking Django) Do-do-do-do-do-do, is that really what being in love sounds like? This is the problem with boys with acoustic guitars singing about love. Take a look at the clumsily written "Hey There Isabella" by Phineas. At least it SOUNDS sincere! But most of the time, songs are written by these douchey frat boys, like this guy. Albert: So fathers, be good to your daughters... Carl: (sarcastically) Yeah, be good to your daughters so Albert can do stuff with them. Carl: Now, that I got that rant out of the way, let me talk about "The Lazy Song". Jeremy: Today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed, don't feel like picking up the phone, so leave a message at the tone, cause today I don't feel like doing anything... Carl: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! This, indeed, IS a lazy song. Either Jeremy put no effort into this, or he put a bunch of effort by pretending that he put no effort into this. The monkeys in the music video are not funny at all. While I'm usually impressed by Jeremy's production, I'm not impressed by the production of this song. It has this tired-(bleep) guitar strumming and some extremely ANNOYING whistling. (a clip of people whistling starts playing) Carl: Let's listen to more of these lyrics. Jeremy: I'm gonna kick my feet my feet up and stare at the fan, turn the TV on, throw my hands in my pants, nobody's gonna tell me I can't... Carl: ...Is this really what he does when he sits around doing nothing? Just stare at house appliances all day? (shows a clip of Carl staring at a fan) Nope, it's not worth it. Jeremy: I'll be lounging on my couch just chilling in my Snuggie, click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie... Carl: What? You actually own a Snuggie? Why would you admit that!? Also, Jeremy, you realize that MTV doesn't play music videos. But of course, it makes sense that Jeremy learns the dance that uses almost no movement. Phineas, Ferb, and Irving: (while demonstrating the Dougie) My dougie, my dougie... Carl: Since Jeremy does stupid stuff when he's lazy, what's he going to do tomorrow? Jeremy: Tomorrow, I'll wake up, do some P90X, meet a really nice girl, have some really nice (bleep), and she's gonna scream out "this is great" Irving: (in a high-pitched voice) Oh my god, this is great! Carl: Basically, Jeremy is trying to get away from exercise and having fun with a girl....I could not hate this man even more than I already do. Irving: (in a high-pitched voice) Oh my god, this is great! Carl: Is this what Jeremy thinks of hot girls!? Is that supposed to be sarcastic? Jeremy: Yeah, I might mess around and get my college degree, I bet my old man will be so proud of me, but sorry, pops, you'll just have to wait... Carl: (sighs in annoyance, and then walks to his computer and prints out some papers. He walks back to the piano) What I have here is my college degree. I had to pay a hundred kajillion dollars to get a job reviewing Candace Flynn songs on the internet. Meanwhile, all summer long, we can listen to Jeremy Johnson sing about how he's going to goof around to get a degree. Fabulous. Carl: There's a reason why Jeremy keeps mentioning his junk in every lyric. THIS IS A KID'S SONG. Think about it. Everything he says in this song is something that adults would NEVER do. This song is for kids that don't want to do their homework, and are hiding from Mom. You know what? I'm starting this review over. To demonstrate what this song means to me, I'm going to show a clip of myself playing video games. (shows a clip of Carl playing video games) At least, THIS is doing something! I can reach goals and stuff. Yeah, those goals are getting to the next level of the game, but at least I'm doing something fun! Carl: Do you know what this song means to me? You tell them, Jeremy. Jeremy: (singing) Nothing at all. (Shows Carl sitting in front of a TV playing video games) Vanessa: Carl, what are you doing? Carl: This is for my review of "The Lazy Song". I'm supposed to demonstrate how this song is like. Vanessa: ...How long have you been doing this? Carl: Six hours. (episode ends) Memorable Quotes in "Candace's Alien Lover" Carl: It has been thirteen months since "California Gurls" entered the top twenty list. Now, not a day goes by where a Candace Flynn song has been in the top twenty. (shows clips of Candace singing "California Gurls", "Teenage Dream" and "Firework") That's right. Thirteen straight months of Candace Flynn. I actually kinda like those songs, even though I don't like Candace Flynn as an artist or a person at all. I also put two Candace Flynn songs on my "Top Songs of 2010" List, which made me a laughing-stock. And now, a short montage of people giving me (bleep) for my "Top Songs" list. The names and reactions are real, no identity has been changed because I'm lazy. Monty: I have Suzy Johnson songs on my MP3, and even I have to criticize your taste in music. Isabella: Carl, you apologized fifteen times about having Candace Flynn songs on your iPod. (flatly) Fifteen times isn't enough. Stacy: Gross, Candace Flynn sounds like a garbage truck in labor. Major Monogram: This is what the music guy on the site listens to. THE. MUSIC. GUY. Vanessa: Stop stealing pieces of my hair! Carl: Then Candace released "E.T", her fourth single from her latest album and one of the worst songs I've ever heard. This is the first Candace Flynn song since "I Kissed A Girl" that I didn't like in the SLIGHTEST. Stacy: Actually, I kinda like that song. Carl: Shut up, Stacy. Stacy: (looks sad) Carl: I mean, I'm sorry... Stacy: Call me! Carl: .............. Carl: So let's listen to the abomination that is "E.T." by the brain-dead, annoying lame excuse of a singer known as Candace Fl-- Coltrane: (rapping) I got a dirty mind... Carl: (flatly) Ohai Coltrane. Carl: Apparently, Candace couldn't sing this song on her own, so this version, the one that got so popular, features Coltrane. In recent years, Coltrane has done guest rapping, but in my opinion, the only good guest rappers are Al-Z, Lil Jeet, and Phineas. But even they can't do what Coltrane can do. Be a guest rapper by completely sucking at it. Coltrane: Everybody on your (bleep), no (bleep) (switches songs) Superbad chicks giving me McLovin (switches songs) So we can finally fly off into NASA... Carl: Generally, you take off FROM NASA, not INTO NASA. Carl: Two verses into E.T., and the song is already ruined. Coltrane: I got a dirty mind, I got filthy ways, I'm trying to bay my ache.... Carl's annotations: Wait, "bay my ache"? "Bait my aid"? "Bail my A", maybe? Carl: Okay, I looked up E.T. from every lyric site, and I mean EVERY, and it seems like Coltrane is trying to say, "bathe my ape in your Milky Way". That can't possibly be the lyric, and if it is, Coltrane, there's an art to suggestive lyrics. You have to have some kind of sense. You can't just take an vaguely inappropriate sentence and throw random words into it. Carl's annotation: I want to (shows a picture of a stick figure kicking something), my (shows a picture of a sandwich) into your (shows a picture of Ferb). Carl: And that's not even the worst lyric of the verse! Coltrane: They callin' me an alien, a big headed astronaut, maybe it's because your boy Coltrane gets (bleep) a lot... Carl: ....I have so many questions about that line. Carl: If you didn't understand what this song is about based on Coltrane's lyrics, the video, or Candace's amazing hairdo, this song has an alien theme. Apparently, Candace is in love with a strange thing that is not from this world or human. Based on who she married (shows an unflattering pic of Jeremy), I think this song was written for him. Candace: Your touch magnetizing, feels like I am flowing, leaves my body glowing... Carl: Basically, she's singing about the alien in the "Chronicles of Meap". (shows a clip of a random girl hugging Meap until she realizes that he's an alien. The girl and Meap scream) Candace: It's supernatural, extraterrestrial... Carl: Wait a minute, is it supernatural or extraterrestrial? It can't be both, unless you're in love with a vampire alien. Carl: I would probably like this song if they hadn't named it after the most ugliest alien in history (shows a picture of E.T.) Look at this unattractive imagery. No one loves that piece of alfe. Carl: You know what's uglier than E.T.? THIS SONG. I like my songs catchy, but this song kinda stomps on you. Candace: Could you be the devil, could you be an angel... Ferb: (at the same time starts making the stomping noise in the song "We Will Rock You") Candace: Your touch magnetizing, feels like I am floating, leaves me body glowing... Ferb: Singing, we will, we will rock you! Carl: Oh, I wish! Coltrane: (rapping) Pockets on Shrek, rockets on deck... Carl: ...Pockets on Shrek? Coltrane: Pockets on Shrek... Carl: Yep, he said "pockets on Shrek". Well, he has given up in trying to rap something good. At this point, he's just throwing out random gibberish. Carl: Come on Coltrane, you can end the verse with some awesome lines! Coltrane: Imma disrobe you, then imma probe you, see I abducted you, so I tell you what to do... Carl: ..... Coltrane: (raps the above again) Carl: (takes out his phone) Hello, police, I'd like to report an assault in progress. Carl: I don't really want an alien love song in my life. The video's cool, though. How does it end? Candace: (kisses her "alien" lover. It turns out to be an extremely pale Jeremy) Carl: Her alien lover turns out to be an Albino blonde guy.........You know what? I'm not even going to talk about that. Good night! (episode ends) Trivia *The creator has both songs on her iPod. *The song Albert was singing was "Daughters" by John Mayer. *The creator likes the "E.T." song without Kanye West in it. *The creator does NOT hate Candace; Carl does. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fanon Works Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Candace Flynn Category:Coltrane Category:Reviews